Meditating with split attention

It would be inaccurate to say I've struggled with meditating for the past decade; it would be more like avoiding.  Nearly every successful person I've followed and researched has attributed their success, or at the very least credited their ability to keep going, amidst the turmoil and struggle of building and managing their companies.  Yet, I still found it nearly impossible to start, as if two like poles of a magnet were keeping me from sitting down and closing my eyes.

The occasional time I got sucked into purchasing another trendy meditation subscription - promising to make my life better, beat procrastination, decrease alcohol's influence, and improve focus - it would seem as if I was "looking" inside my head, in a dark room, chasing away thoughts from the present or past with a small stick that couldn't reach them, in an attempt to relax.  Maybe if I could find some way to push through some amount of time or days building the routine, I may "get better" and float away on some beam of light.  But the crux of the problem was exactly that, pushing through it daily, and that simply was not happening.

Then, in the middle of my second of twice per year meditations, the voice - guided meditation voice that is - said, "Keep 50% of your attention on your inner core and the clear space we have created, and let 50% of your attention take in your environment."  I shifted my attention to the sounds around me, but it took over 100% of my attention very quickly, and I felt myself and my inner peace disappear, as if to keep the space clear required focus.  To correct this sudden loss of inner peace, I shifted back to the space inside me, as if shining a light in a room to increase the portion of lit area, but my surroundings disappeared again.  It seemed almost like being on a mountain focusing at my hand while the scenery blurred, then focusing on a distant mountain and my hand blurred.  Each time I adjusted focus, I occasionally increased the amount of the "other side" I kept within my awareness.

After a few rounds of attempting to keep track of two seemingly opposing concepts, it became clear it would only be possible by letting both my inner world and outer world occur independently of effort, and simply allow increasing amounts of each to fill the space which I labelled my awareness.

This semi-action/non-action of holding both the cleared space inside, and awareness of the environment outside, struck a chord in me that felt for the first time like the perfect balance of intention and allowing.

The next few minutes were the cleanest I'd felt in as long as I can remember.  I felt as if I had a semi-permeable wall between myself and the world, or rather some gradient like a gently sloping shoreline between water and land.  There was land, there was water, and there was a passive border of both, not in favour of one or the other.

As I write this, I notice my environment has disappeared.  I looked up and let some attention drift to my ears and heard the persistent sound of the ocean water gently lapping against the hull of the boat, and a chainsaw in the distance.  Was this there the whole time?  Then back to my posture, I can feel the annoying dull pain under my left shoulder blade.  My laptop disappeared.  I've gone back into Hungry Hippo mode, switching between concepts and artifacts; slow, notice an internal stimulus (legs getting cramped from sitting), external stimulus (water lapping on the boat hull), now both.  Add internal (let my shoulders relax and move my head back), external (sound of an airplane), now all joining together in a symphony; shoulder pain decreased, water sounds are muted but present, airplane has passed by.  The boat is rocking side to side, how long has this been happening?  How long has my belly been so flabby?  I can feel it moving independently from my core.  The sun is peaking through the clouds and warming my left side; another plane passes over head.

This exercise can happen anytime, for as long as I like.  I don't need to close my eyes, and I don't need an app; but I do want a way to remember to do this throughout the day, even for a few seconds...